a small independent press ————————————————— buy our latest book… HOOKERS or CAKE on Amazon.com paperback 102 pages with 30 B&W illustrations book + shippingUS $12.00Canada $15.00World Wide $18.00Tumblr (3.0; @lewdponypress)http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx5kqmJBsH1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/15163207994/hey-wonderful-humans-my-new-book-goes-on-sale-on" target="_blank"></a></p> <p><strong>Hey wonderful humans! My new book goes on sale on Amazon in a few minutes.</strong></p> <p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0982848226/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=hooorcak-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0982848226" target="_blank">Hookers or Cake II</a><img border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=hooorcak-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0982848226" width="1"/></p> <p>Amazon says that it won’t ship for 2 - 4 weeks but this is a lie. It actually drop ships within 24hrs from one of 12 locations across the country and is even available in the <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hookers-Cake-II-Jade-Bos/dp/0982848226/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1325477708&sr=8-3" target="_blank">UK </a>and Australia! Of course you can always get free shipping if your order is $25 and it totally qualifies for their 4 books for the price of 3 thingy.</p> <p>I worked all year on this little bitch! Its filled with 30+ illustrations for the kids! 116 pages and looks, feels, and smells just like a real book. Ands its only $8.95 and £5 in the UK.</p> <p>If you received an advance copy you can always give it a scandalous review.</p> <p>Ok, enough whoring… Happy New Year!</p>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/15828727693http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/15828727693Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:33:40 -0500hookers or+cakewhoringthe new cover is sweet<iframe class="tumblr_audio_player tumblr_audio_player_4109828133" src="http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/4109828133/audio_player_iframe/lewdponypress/tumblr_linb75zOxQ1qa8iba?audio_file=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Faudio_file%2Flewdponypress%2F4109828133%2Ftumblr_linb75zOxQ1qa8iba" frameborder="0" allowtransparency="true" scrolling="no" width="500" height="169"></iframe><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/4099520679" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Tom Waits</strong> read one of my poems last night at the open mic down at the bowling alley.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/4109828133http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/4109828133Sat, 26 Mar 2011 12:24:32 -0400<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lia911avHk1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3951600073" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>I’ve always had reoccurring nightmares about zombies but lately my dreams have taken a turn for the sexy.</p> <p><strong>Hot Zombie 3-way - Zombie Orgy  <br/></strong></p> <p>and the neat thing about zombie sex is it doesn’t matter if they’re a boy or a girl or a canned ham or whatever - zombies by their very nature are full of holes and in the midst of a blood orgy any orifice will do.</p> <p>The bummer is that the sex isn’t very good, not that it doesn’t physically feel good. No the sex feels awesome, its just that… I dunno the zombies don’t really seem that into it ya know?</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3965454917http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3965454917Sat, 19 Mar 2011 15:23:00 -0400<iframe src="//www.tumblr.com/video/lewdponypress/3843246295/400" id="tumblr_video_iframe_3843246295" class="tumblr_video_iframe" width="400" height="225" style="display:block;background-color:transparent;overflow:hidden;" allowTransparency="true" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" webkitAllowFullScreen mozallowfullscreen allowFullScreen></iframe><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3831421013" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://nochymozg.tumblr.com/post/3817081077" target="_blank">nochymozg</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>Een overzicht van ” book” oproepen <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hookers-Cake-Jade-Bos/dp/098284820X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1300027739&sr=8-1" target="_blank">’ Hookers of Cake’</a> door Jade Bos.</p> </blockquote> <p>The wild and wonderful <a href="http://nochymozg.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Philip T. Hunter</a> gives me the best book review ever.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3843246295http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3843246295Sun, 13 Mar 2011 20:09:50 -0400<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgupm9rUQL1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3377194838" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>After the Army I went and lived in the city. I enjoyed the machinations, the trains and brick buildings - it coulda been 1920 or science fiction. I’d sit in the diners and drink too much coffee, fiddle with some old Beckett book and maybe a drawing. I never read more than a sentence or two as it was more than enough. The endless murmur, a quiet hymn that rustled around in my head. Beckett courted death - not like some romantic hero, but like a man who stared at a wall for a number of years until he understood.</p> <p><strong>Understood very plainly</strong><br/><strong>The basic functionality</strong><br/><strong>of How It Is.</strong><br/><br/><strong>Beckett wasn’t afraid of death because</strong><br/><strong>he had a secret.</strong><br/><br/><strong>I wasn’t afraid of death because I was</strong><br/><strong>an old women slurping soup.</strong><br/><br/><strong>Chicago wasn’t afraid of death because it had already</strong><br/><strong>burned down to the ground.</strong><br/><br/><strong>The three of us sat around chuckling about it</strong><br/><strong>while the sparrows got drunk in the rain.</strong></p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3381989979http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3381989979Sat, 19 Feb 2011 09:59:16 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgqrwa1UuS1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3338409247" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p><strong> In an attempt to help IBM super computer, Watson seem more human, I’ve been hired to help ghost write his autobiography.</strong></p> </blockquote> <p><br/>I had a pony named Wild Fire, actually he was a full grown Arabian Quarter Horse. I paid $400 for him using my summer work money and paper route. I boarded him at my Uncle’s ranch for $100 bucks a month until one winter due to flooding the price of hay had gone up and by early spring I was flat broke. I didn’t want to sell him so my Uncle came up with a great idea, we would enter Wild Fire into a suicide race. A suicide race is run on a 1/4 mile dirt track, straight up a hill, then down the hill, across a muddy creek bed, over a fence and around a tight circle till you come sprinting down the home stretch. Well, Wild Fire was really fast and jumping fences seemed to be his true passion. I could make some good money…<br/><br/>Two months later in August, when poor limping Wild Fire came in dead last, I realized that this was probably the end. No one in my family said much to me that day. Two weeks later they said even less, especially while I took the small adhesive number off of Wild Fire’s thigh, from the auction. The Sioux Falls stockyard had a horse auction every Wednesday. Wild Fire had sold for a whole $80 bucks. Rendering plant money, Wild Fire would become dog food and glue. I sold my tack for another $50 and still owed my uncle another $20. He wasn’t a bad guy, he paid for the gas, burgers and Cokes on the way home, he was just a poor rancher. I studied the little adhesive number that I’d taken off of Wild Fire during the ride home. Number 37 not any bigger than a playing card. That’s funny Joe Delaney was #37. Joe Delaney was my favorite football player till he died 2 months earlier trying to save 3 kids from drowning. Joe Delaney couldn’t swim. <br/><br/>Later that week, I had gone shopping for new school supplies with my mom. My dad had mentioned something about poor Wild Fire being turned into glue. Dad had a good sense of humor, he’d grown up on a dirt farm during the great depression. So dad made a small joke and I immediately had an even better joke! I took Wild Fire’s old number 37 off of the bulletin board and ran over to my new school supplies and put the number squarely on my new bottle of glue. It fit perfect. Everyone laughed, laughed really hard.<br/><br/>I told this same little story to Hugh Hefner, late one evening in the grotto of the Playboy mansion. I remember old Hef smiled knowingly and laughed. He told me that he’d caught herpes several times throughout the years but was always able to cure it using a highly experimental embryonic stem-cell treatment. Hef went on to say that it took him awhile to realize that the clinic where he had the procedure, was also the same clinic that performed all the abortions for him and Playboy.</p> <p><strong>“I was having the cells of my own aborted fetus’s spread all over my body,”</strong> Hef stared off into the distance, his heavy, wrinkly eyes widening at the thought. <strong>“It dawned on me right in the middle of a treatment and to be honest it felt a little weird at first, but then I saw the whole depth of the situation, the humanity of it and then I felt wonderful, it was in that moment I knew I had truly manifested myself into God.”</strong> He beamed like a drunken turtle. <strong>“Is that how you felt,” </strong>he jutted out his chin at me, <strong>“when you put that number on the bottle of glue?”</strong></p> <p> Just then Pat Sajak yelled at us from the other side of the pool, he’d pulled his penis & testicles out the front zipper of his jean cut-offs and was holding up a bag of coke the size of a human head.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3344636658http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3344636658Thu, 17 Feb 2011 09:21:58 -0500<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgirdkpCO51qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3256199759" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>The Devil loaded up his El Camino</strong><br/><strong>with knick-knacks and other worthless shit</strong><br/><strong>and hit the open road.</strong><br/><br/><strong>“Congratulations everyone, we lost the war on drugs!”</strong><br/><br/><strong>Awww hell, we lost a lotta things.</strong><br/><strong>That’s life ya know, an endless process of losing.</strong><br/><br/><strong>Once you come to grips with this reality</strong><br/><strong>(and really - the sooner the better)</strong><br/><br/><strong>Only then can join the party of human-fucking-beings.</strong><br/><br/><strong>Because it’s all a losing proposition.</strong><br/><br/><strong>“But be of good cheer and rejoice,” cry the cocktail waitresses.</strong><br/><strong>It’s house money, always has been</strong><br/><strong>If you can’t recognize that</strong><br/><strong>well I’ve got no advice other than “Good luck!”</strong><br/><br/><strong>Life’s not about hoarding or winning</strong><br/><strong>it’s about gambling on something that you give a fuck about.</strong><br/><strong>And if you don’t give a fuck about nothing…</strong><br/><strong>it may be time to have another drink and rethink things.</strong><br/><br/><strong>You probably don’t give a fuck because your afraid.</strong><br/><strong>Afraid to fail or some dumb notion.</strong><br/><strong>Afraid to reach out with your heart</strong><br/><strong>because you’ll git slapped down to the cold ground</strong><br/><strong>quicker than a epileptic clown on roller skates.</strong><br/> <br/><strong>Don’t take yerself so serious kid</strong><br/><strong>reach out with your heart and feel the burn</strong><br/><strong>feel the frustration and failure</strong><br/><strong>feel your heart being cooked</strong><br/><br/><strong>a delicious feast</strong><br/><strong>for the beasts of delusion</strong><br/><br/><strong>Invite em all in!</strong><br/><strong>Have a grand party</strong><br/><strong>and watch those sad fucks high tail it outta there.</strong><br/><br/><strong>You’ve taken away their power</strong><br/><strong>and now they’ll have to go elsewhere.</strong></p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3302455089http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3302455089Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:40:10 -0500<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgirdkpCO51qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3256199759" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>The Devil loaded up his El Camino</strong><br/><strong>with knick-knacks and other worthless shit</strong><br/><strong>and hit the open road.</strong><br/><br/><strong>“Congratulations everyone, we lost the war on drugs!”</strong><br/><br/><strong>Awww hell, we lost a lotta things.</strong><br/><strong>That’s life ya know, an endless process of losing.</strong><br/><br/><strong>Once you come to grips with this reality</strong><br/><strong>(and really - the sooner the better)</strong><br/><br/><strong>Only then can join the party of human-fucking-beings.</strong><br/><br/><strong>Because it’s all a losing proposition.</strong><br/><br/><strong>“But be of good cheer and rejoice,” cry the cocktail waitresses.</strong><br/><strong>It’s house money, always has been</strong><br/><strong>If you can’t recognize that</strong><br/><strong>well I’ve got no advice other than “Good luck!”</strong><br/><br/><strong>Life’s not about hoarding or winning</strong><br/><strong>it’s about gambling on something that you give a fuck about.</strong><br/><strong>And if you don’t give a fuck about nothing…</strong><br/><strong>it may be time to have another drink and rethink things.</strong><br/><br/><strong>You probably don’t give a fuck because your afraid.</strong><br/><strong>Afraid to fail or some dumb notion.</strong><br/><strong>Afraid to reach out with your heart</strong><br/><strong>because you’ll git slapped down to the cold ground</strong><br/><strong>quicker than a epileptic clown on roller skates.</strong><br/> <br/><strong>Don’t take yerself so serious kid</strong><br/><strong>reach out with your heart and feel the burn</strong><br/><strong>feel the frustration and failure</strong><br/><strong>feel your heart being cooked</strong><br/><br/><strong>a delicious feast</strong><br/><strong>for the beasts of delusion</strong><br/><br/><strong>Invite em all in!</strong><br/><strong>Have a grand party</strong><br/><strong>and watch those sad fucks high tail it outta there.</strong><br/><br/><strong>You’ve taken away their power</strong><br/><strong>and now they’ll have to go elsewhere.</strong></p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3302431836http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3302431836Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:38:51 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg4ibdL5Za1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3115479671" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>I wrote a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/098284820X/ref=cm_cr_mts_prod_img" target="_blank">review for my own book on Amazon</a>. I know some of you may find this unethical but I don’t care. I’m riding this money train all the way to the top and no one can stop me. (cue evil laughter - long tracking shot of me running across a Long John Silvers parking lot and getting into a 1987 maroon Dodge minivan as the credits roll)</p> </blockquote> <p>Please if you have a moment could you go to Amazon and leave terrible one star review? Thank You!</p>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3124276087http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3124276087Sat, 05 Feb 2011 10:56:00 -0500<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg0rj4WDXA1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/3079038612" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>My Dearest Justin, </strong></p> <p>I’m sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks but I’ve been busy. I have a new robot companion that I received for free from the Gapple corporation. The literature says the robot acts and interacts through a complicated form of arrogate algorithms derived from a compiler program direct from the World Wide Web. In other words, whatever the internet does, my robot companion acts out in the form of simplified interactions. Isn’t it great Justin! I just fill out a few simple forms each day, Gapple gets their free research and I get a free companion, so I’m not so doggone lonely anymore. An all around win!</p> <p>I call my robot Mr. Pickles, he seems to really like the name. Lately, Mr Pickles has taken to ripping the heads off of people and yelling <strong>FAIL!</strong> down their throats. I guess its some sort of meme. A meme is a kinda fad on the interwebs. For instance, let’s say someone takes a funny picture of a fat kitten looking surprised or of a remorseful dog vagina, they put the picture on the internets and other users insert the picture into amusing scenarios, while other people circulate these pictures on social networking sites. It is uproariously funny. But it can also get like really deep ya know, like when sometimes people put a meme inside of a meme… I don’t even want to think about it. It makes my poor little head hurt. Its pretty amazing. </p> <p>So anywho, Mr Pickles was ripping the heads off all the hired help and various neighbors the other day when I saw Trudy at the Hot-n-Bite, you know Trudy from my yoga class… anyway Trudy starts telling me about her husband Ted and how all he does is cry about The Fear and The Void day and night. While she’s prattling on, I see Mr. Pickles making a bee-line across the parking deck for her. I quickly took Judy by the shoulders and looked her dead in the eye and said,</p> <p><strong>“Trudy if you value your life and I know you do… when that cute little robot in the Tadashi cocktail dress comes over here and addresses you, you just scream “Dog vagina!” as loud as you can, OK?”</strong></p> <p>Judy just smiled uncomfortably at me and then laughed like I had said the funniest joke ever. So Mr. Pickles arrives and offers Trudy a smoke pellet. Trudy graciously accepts and then Mr. Pickles severs her head from her neck with one fluid movement, he lifts her body up at the waist and swings her around like he was playing a trumpet. <strong>“FAIL!!!”</strong>, he roars down her throat. All the while, her <span id="search">carotid</span> arteries are spraying blood all over him. Well I forgot my place and shrieked, <strong>“Your dress dear,”</strong> but Mr. Pickles just glared at me, dropped Trudy and began to roll over to me. So I whisper, <strong>“Dog Vagina?”</strong> and luckily for me Mr. Pickles laughed and decided to buy us root beer floats. Oh my new social life sure is exciting! Well I gotta run, looks like Mr. Pickles is ripping off someones beard and eating it.</p> <p><strong>Love,</strong></p> <p><strong>Mom </strong></p> <p><strong>XOXOXO </strong></p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3086555410http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/3086555410Thu, 03 Feb 2011 09:00:45 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfmxitWCnj1qa8ibao1_500.gif"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/2941083475" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>My Uncle Frank’s 3rd wife had a really old pug that needed a $7,000 stomach surgery. My Uncle took me aside and offered me $500 if I would discretely “take care of it,” for him. If I wasn’t only making $250 a week working at a gas station I would’ve said no, but $500 is a lot of money. All I needed to do was, help put their old dog out of its misery. So Tuesday afternoon I slipped on over to their house, my Uncle had given me the key. I was to leave the sliding glass door open, all I had to do was reset the house alarm and make sure the dog, Mr. Chuckles was gone, “gone for good,” my Uncle sighed.</p> <p>The plan was to drive Mr. Chuckles out into the woods and just put a bullet in his widdle head. But when I got old Chuckles outta the car he started wagging his tail and licking my face, so needless to say Mr. Chuckles came to live with me. It was only to be until I could drive him down to a animal shelter far enough away to where he wouldn’t be found. The only problem was over the next week my Uncle sent more business my way via his friends. I was fast becoming a bonafide old pet assassin.</p> <p>$500 for Sonny, a blind Pomeranian with no teeth, $300 for Felix the incontinent orange cat, and another $500 for Bronco, the German shepard with two bad hips. They all came to stay with me just until the weekend when I could drive them all down to various shelters far, far away.</p> <p>It was a foolproof plan until Felix began shitting everywhere and Bronco revealed himself not only to be a gimpy dancer but also a problem barker. I came home after a graveyard one morning only to find a notice from the landlord that I had until the end of the day to get rid of all the animals or the locks would be changed and I along with my belongings would be out on the curb.</p> <p>So I packed up the whole geriatric running crew and began making the trek south. I had only gotten a few miles when my piece of shit Oldsmobile began sputtering and lurching. I realized that breaking down with 4 crippled animals was not the best idea in the world so I slowed down and limped the car down a few back roads until I came to a heavily wooded area. Doing some quick math I realized that I was only about 5-10 miles from my Uncles house and maybe even closer to the other homes. I was going to have to kill these animals right here or risk that they would make some goddamn Walt Disney miraculous journey back to their owners and then I would be in some real weird shit.</p> <p>Taking a deep breathe, I retrieved my snub nosed .38 from the trunk. The only reason I still even had the gun was that it had been my fathers and I couldn’t bear to pawn it. And I guess I was absentmindedly thinking about Dad when I opened the car door only to be bowled over by an excited German Shepard. And before I got up Mr. Chuckles, Sonny and Felix all leapt out of the car in different directions. FUUUCK!</p> <p>Scrambling to my feet I knew that I needed to start killing animals pronto because as I looked around I saw all the animals still had their collars with the tags on them. I’m such an idiot. I needed to end this shit right now. I decided to start with Bronco, because even though he had bad hips, he was big and could still cover some ground. So I settled myself and leveled the .38 at the old shepard. Bronco looked right at me and then took off straight into the woods. I went right in after him, into the underbrush. I must have trudged about 50 yards trying to get free of the underbrush and to get a clean shot at that damn dog when I slipped, lost my balanced and tumbled down into a ravine. It was a pretty bad fall, but I jumped right back up. I was OK. I was OK. Shit. I was OK but my ankle wasn’t. I stood up on it and searing pain shot up through me and I almost passed out. Looking around I realized I couldn’t very well hop up the ravine. Maybe I could crawl. Damn it was steep.</p> <p>It took way to long to crawl up out of there. Probably took 20-30 minutes and I was dizzy as hell. My ankle felt like it was going to throb off. Well only 50 yards or so to the car. I must have crawled for about 100 yards before I could admit to myself that I must have gotten turned around when I fell. I was going the exact opposite way. HOLY FUCKING HELL!</p> <p>It took me a few minutes to calm down. I would be just fine, I told myself. Just take your time, don’t panic and get back to the car. Even if I took my time it would only take an hour or two at the most. So that’s what I did. I crawled back the way I had come. One hour later I was about half way up the other side of the ravine. Everything was going well if only it wasn’t so damn chilly. Wait a minute. Its late June, around noon time… it was around 75-80 degrees when I left this morning and the sun was still shining bright overhead… shock</p> <p><strong>“Fuck!” I’m having chills cause I’m going into shock.”</strong></p> <p>Just take it easy buddy. Take it slow. 30 minutes and you’ll be at the car.</p> <p>Whats that whirling noise? Colored lights… Truck NutZ.</p> <p>If only I’d swallowed my pride and stayed in Ohio to run the family business making Truck Nutz. Black spots danced in front of my eyes. Truck Nutz… just rest for a bit… close your eyes.</p> <p>I must have passed out for quite some time because when I came too it was getting dark. I didn’t feel cold anymore. It just felt real peaceful and I was calm. I couldn’t feel my ankle at all. It was cold to the touch and purple and stiff, stiff just like Truck Nutz. I heard some leaves rustling and I looked up to the top of the ravine. There sat Mr. Bonkers, Felix, Sonny and Bronco. Multi-colored crowns of Truck NutZ whirled and danced above their heads. I reached out to them but they dissolved into the darkness.</p> <p><strong>“I’m sorry,”</strong> I whisper.</p> <p>And all around me I hear the rustling of each single leaf. Every single one of them crying out to form an 8 octave chorus…</p> <p><strong>“Truck Nutz</strong>” they sing like a veiny glistening shout - a shout that resonates into the heart of all things.</p> <p><strong>“Truck Nutz,”</strong> as the wind scatters beneath the paws of the four ancient animal spirits. Their glowing eyes closing in upon me like windows into another world. Gazing inside I feel the sun. I feel the sun devouring the cold dark night that I thought I was.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2957767037http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2957767037Thu, 27 Jan 2011 09:00:06 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lffrovHIEY1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/2876281065" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>Dearest Fuckface,</strong></p> <p> Perhaps you have noticed some rough language or a course tone in our recent correspondence. We at Hookers or Cake would like to assure that this is not in error nor is it to offend. In fact this is just the latest and greatest step in the fight to verify personal identity.</p> <p>Research has shown that robots, programs and offshore spam companies fail to comprehend sarcasm, irony and inappropriate cursing. In light of this we are encouraging all of our clients and social contacts to partake in superfluous cussing and absurd veiled threats as a means to assure one another that we are indeed human beings and not just another uptight program with a abacus for a heart and a bottomless coin purse for a belly. We hope you understand our stance but welcome that you may not. We find ourselves glad in that if you are a program or shortsighted asshole that your confusion will act as an agreement of the termination of any and all unsightly communication or contact in the future.</p> <p>Warmest mutha fuckin’ regards,</p> <p><strong>Jade Bos</strong></p> <p><strong>VP</strong><strong> Lewd Pony Press</strong><br/>author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hookers-Cake-Jade-Bos/dp/098284820X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1293774548&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Hookers or Cake</a><br/><strong>D.H.S.</strong> (Destroyer of Ham Sandwiches)</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2893412588http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2893412588Sun, 23 Jan 2011 11:46:47 -0500<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_legkxok59q1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/2583494417/who-are-these-people-what-are-they-doing-my-best" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>Who are these people? What are they doing? My best friend died and all his obituary said was a list of different schools he went to and the names of his cousins. So at the funeral I felt compelled to tell everyone his final wishes involved his body being placed on a giant spring and being flung off into the woods.</p> <p><strong>   “Just leave the body, wherever it lands for the wolves to drag off,”</strong> he said.</p> <p>I’d like to color all the plain obituaries - like the mortician who painted the bodies of the deceased with colorful directions for the afterlife.</p> <p><strong>    Hard Left at The River Styx - 0.3 miles</strong></p> <p>I’m reminded of my grandfather, who was buried in full drag. He’d never dressed in womens clothing or had any such desires in his waking life. But I was watching TV with him when I was a little kid, and Mr. Belvedere died. I asked “Where do people go when the die?”</p> <p>and he replied,</p> <p><strong>  “No one ever dies, they just shimmer forever after.” </strong></p> <p>and in his casket he shimmered in a sparkling blue, bare midriff evening gown by designer Jean Louis - his WWII navy tattoos dancing once again.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2589690748http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2589690748Mon, 03 Jan 2011 21:42:07 -0500<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_led1juFmIa1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://jimmythemustascheman.tumblr.com/post/2560157864/hookersorcake-she-had-been-a-stripper-a-drug" target="_blank">jimmythemustascheman</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/2556793495/she-had-been-a-stripper-a-drug-addict-and-a-whore" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>she had been a stripper</strong><br/><strong>a drug addict and a whore</strong><br/><br/><strong>and I loved her dearly</strong><br/><br/><strong>the glow of a woman at peace</strong><br/><strong>a woman that knows the depth</strong><br/><strong>and breathe of the boundless range of</strong><br/><strong>all experience</strong><br/><strong>gorgeous - full blown - woman</strong><br/><strong>fearless - crazy - fucking woman</strong><br/><br/><strong>thankfully crazy</strong><br/><strong>for its in the madness</strong><br/><strong>that a man truly comes to know himself</strong><br/><strong>an explorer of the frightening wilderness</strong><br/><strong>a wilderness he knows in his heart</strong><br/><strong>as home</strong><br/><br/><strong>the mother of all things</strong><br/><strong>rains down bliss and death</strong><br/><strong>with the whimsy of the very weather</strong><br/><strong>born murdered and died</strong><br/><strong>again and again</strong><br/><strong>the primordial art of the cave</strong><br/><strong>the porn rack at 7-11</strong><br/><br/><strong>I love you both</strong><br/><strong>for your ends exceed me</strong><br/><strong>and tear me asunder</strong><br/><br/><strong>in short</strong><br/><br/><strong>you blow my sweet motherfuckin’ lil mind</strong><br/><strong>and thank god for that!</strong></p> </blockquote> <p>I knew someone like that. It took a bottle of SoCo and a can of Coca Cola to drive it all out of my mind.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2560868034http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2560868034Sat, 01 Jan 2011 21:07:06 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_le1s6oh4hh1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/2471106261/my-favorite-artist-was-someone-who-went-to-my-old" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>My favorite artist was someone who went to my old church.<br/><br/>They’d blacked out all the words in the bible so only three words appeared on each page.</p> <p><br/><strong>            I</strong></p> <p><br/><strong>     love </strong><br/><strong>                you</strong></p> <p><br/>I first discovered this work while sitting through an interminable church service. The minister was spewing some hate filled nonsense and I finally picked up the Holy Bible, curious if it really said all these terrible things.</p> <p>To my wonder and surprise all I found was page after page of “I love you”<br/>it was like a choir of angels was hammering a very simple song into my heart.<br/>I sat there in quiet awe while the asshole preacher prattled on and on with his hate filled fever dream. I was flipping through all those pages as the chorus sang upon me until I broke down and every fiber of my own being too began to sing.</p> <p><strong>I love you - I love you in everything you big dummy - I love you</strong></p> <p>I saw every mean and stupid thing I’d done. And a great compassion swelled within me. I found myself flooded by a strange tenderness for my very own self.  It then spilled and splashed across everything I saw until all was colored wet and bubblin  - baptised in the water light love of compassion  all is perfect and free - even the asshole preacher.</p> <p>Finally I staggered to my feet and thundered out a proclamation to the pastor - <strong>“HEY FUCKFACE! Why don’t you put on some pants and get a real job! Cuz you fuckin suck at this one!”</strong></p> <p>And the universe roared a bright horn chorus of  <strong>“Dude!”</strong> and the high five were glorious and everlasting.</p> <p> - for Jesse Hassler - 1971-2010</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2517105537http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2517105537Wed, 29 Dec 2010 16:46:20 -0500short stories<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ldg6kvgvhb1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/2319527842/the-initial-findings-were-staggering-the" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p> The initial findings were staggering. The possibility that more than 70% of all female adult film actresses may suffer from a little known hormone deficiency called Seria Syndrome.<br/> What is Seria Syndrome? <strong>“Basically its a hormonal imbalance that can lead to impulsive and mania type behavior,”</strong> says Dr. Louis Szekely, who heads up a team of researchers in Van Nuys, California.</p> <p> The hormone in this case is called Oxytocin and it has been connected to behavior ranging from orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, and maternal behavior. Oxytocin is specifically mammalian and acts primarily as a neurotransmitter in the brain. It is often referred to as the ‘love hormone’ thus the more than 300 million dollars that drug companies have spent on researching it in just the past 5 years. <strong>“If we could produce a pill that produces feelings of love, empathy and trust in the user… it would be a social panacea,”</strong> Dr. Szekely went on to say. Studies and research have shown that oxytocin may solve problems ranging from Autism and depression to drug addiction and even adultery.</p> <p>Though oxytocin was first synthesized in 1953 administering to patients has proven quite difficult. Oxytocin is destroyed by gastrointestinal tract. It also also only has a half life of only three minutes in the blood stream and thusly cannot enter the brain in any significant quantity due to a blood brain barrier.<br/> What scientists then have turned to as a result of being unable to administer oxytocin to test subjects is studying its effects by inhibiting oxytocin in levels in subjects. <br/>  Researchers discovered during studies on laboratory rats that if a female rat was given a oxytocin inhibitor she would immediately lose interest in her offspring and leave her mate. Scientists then were able to naturally raise the oxytocin levels in the female rats by simple handling them and stroking them for a mere thirty seconds to forty seconds. The female rats then began to immediately mate with the closet male or female, though in repeated double blind studies they did show a consistent preference for male rats who drove Trans-Ams and had cocaine. Scientists theorize that the reason for such rash activity was that the oxytocin starved females had such a low baseline of oxytocin activity that normal stroking or petting that releases what would be an average dose of oxytocin in a non inhibited subject becomes in effect a overdose in a previously inhibited subject, thus overriding many of the usual trust/aversion markers that control mating and maternal behavior. <strong>“The oxytocin overdosed female rats basically became wanton whores,” </strong>stated Dr. Szekely.<br/>Besides the troubling social behavior scientist also noticed that the inhibited rats shown very specific problems with hearing that effected vocalization. Researchers then took these findings and began conducting research on a interesting test group; female porn stars.<strong> “I actually began to notice the vocal patterns that I was hearing from the inhibited rats matched up with those of the adult performers in… uh well… other research I was conducting,”</strong> blushed Szekely. Researchers then viewed several thousand adult films and charted the vocal patterns of the female performers. The data that was compiled and it was stunning. Studies showed that 713 of 998 female performers had speech problems consistent with Seria Syndrome. In order to verify the findings the female performers would need to be physically tested. Here the research team ran into a problem. The porn stars were not willing research participants, even when offered money and free treatment. It was then that a light went off in Szekely’s head. <strong>“We’ll make a porno,” </strong>he flatly stated. And that’s just what they did. Over the next three grueling weeks Dr.Szekely took samples from over 500 females. <strong>“We couldn’t get the starlets to submit to a regular blood sample,” </strong>he recalled<strong> “so I just attached a small patch of cotton to the end of my penis and was able to obtain throat sample within the context of the film. I achieved a 92% success rate,”</strong> he beamed.<br/>The numbers once again were staggering, only 3 female performers that appeared in Dr. Love, Female gang bang, actually showed any sign of Seria Syndrome. 413 of the performers just had tongue rings that impeded clear speech and 76 of the performers where <strong>“just fucked up,”</strong> stated a bemused Szekely.<br/> The 3 starlets that did have markers consistent with Seria Syndrome were thoroughly tested in Dr. Love II & III <strong>“It wasn’t until Dr Love IV, Anal mania, that we figured out a fail proof way to administer antidote testing,” </strong>said Dr. Louis. <br/>As of this writing Dr. Szekely is planning a new research group, Dr. Love V, Gang bang 1,000. <strong>“I will not rest until I find a cure,”</strong> sighed the good Dr.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2337171172http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2337171172Thu, 16 Dec 2010 10:53:12 -0500<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lcr92vqbPb1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/2060301046/so-i-was-asked-to-come-with-ideas-for-a-green-eggs" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>So I was asked to come with ideas for a Green Eggs and Ham script.</strong></p> <p> A man’s wife dies tragically in a car accident during a quick trip to the store while preparing a big holiday feast.</p> <p>The bereaved husband comes home from the hospital to an empty house and can’t bear to part with the giant ham that his wife had cooked for their dinner. The man then sits alone in his kitchen and gnaws away on the ham for several days until its rancid and then he begins to hallucinate that the rancid ham is some kinda god or something. He begins to inquire of the godhead ham the true meaning of life.</p> <p><strong>IE. Why all the terrible pain and suffering strung together by unendurable stretches of pointless boredom punctuated by brief moments of happiness and love?</strong></p> <p>Many of the usual romantic comedy hi-jinks ensue as the rancid ham tears apart our protagonists world view. There is also a great little montage set to popular music where the rancid ham and the man try on funny hats.<br/><br/>I envision the whole thing done with puppets and a over the top laugh track. <br/><br/>Think … <strong>A Love Story</strong> meets <strong>Alf</strong> meets the <strong>Bhagavad Gita</strong> meets <strong>2001</strong></p> <p> I already have Ariel Pink signed on for the soundtrack but who should play the ham? and who plays the man?</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2066249887http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/2066249887Wed, 01 Dec 2010 21:27:10 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lcahohhPYu1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/1648185151/a-charlie-bronson-thanksgiving-aka-death-wish" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>A Charlie Bronson Thanksgiving</strong> (aka Death wish VII)</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/1683192135http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/1683192135Thu, 25 Nov 2010 15:03:08 -0500Thanksgiving<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lc8tmbqxIh1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/1637907577/the-bright-recognition-of-ones-own-mortality" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>The bright recognition of ones own mortality, can poop on the ol giggle parade.</p> <p>Last night I was visited by 3 Elvis’s</p> <p>The young, crazy vibrant Elvis</p> <p>The fat, drugged old Elvis</p> <p>and the massive dead Elvis</p> <p>They told me to change my ways baby</p> <p>that I was losing hydrogen and helium at my core</p> <p>while expanding in mass.</p> <p>then they asked me if I was going to eat that</p> <p>they were pointing at a bare wall</p> <p>I said no and stepped aside.</p> <p>They tore the drywall from the studs and young Elvis thrust his manhood upon it making love to it in several different ways and yet somehow all at once.</p> <p>Fat Elvis crushed up the parts young Elvis was done with. He snorted up the dust but the larger parts he cooked into a cosmic frittata using a red hot skillet.</p> <p>Dead Elvis just held the whole scene in its infinite mouth - his massive mutton chops would close in upon it obliterating all light and sound. Then the giant horns would sound and the mutton chops lift and the whole cycle would begin again.  This repeated itself all through the commercial break during the age of Kali Yuga and then we went for ice cream.</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/1654064529http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/1654064529Mon, 22 Nov 2010 21:01:09 -0500Hookers or Cake<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lbuw6fRi2p1qa8ibao1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p><a href="http://www.hookersorcake.com/post/1568170462/the-mustache-that-can-spoke-of-is-not-the" target="_blank">hookersorcake</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong>The mustache that can spoke of</strong><br/><br/><strong>    is not the eternal mustache</strong><br/><br/><strong>The understanding that can be understood</strong><br/><br/><strong>    is not wisdom</strong><br/><br/><br/><strong>For the mustache is the beginning of heaven and earth</strong><br/><br/><strong>    it is the mother of all things</strong><br/><br/><br/><strong>Mustachioed one can see the entire mystery</strong><br/><br/><strong>Mustacheless one only sees the manifestation</strong><br/><br/><br/><strong>These two ways of being are identical</strong><br/><br/><strong>       they only differ in name</strong><br/><br/><br/><strong>The mustache exists</strong><br/><br/><strong>     only when it does not</strong><br/><br/><strong>This is the gateway to all mystery.</strong><br/><br/><br/>     - Mustache Te Ching</p> </blockquote>http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/1576840346http://lewdponypress.tumblr.com/post/1576840346Sun, 14 Nov 2010 19:59:24 -0500Choose Your Own AuthorMustache