Lewd Pony Press

Specializing in offbeat humor, shitty poetry, and sacred literature

96 notes

hookersorcake:

My Dearest Justin, 
I’m sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks but  I’ve been busy. I have a new robot companion that I received for free  from the Gapple corporation. The literature says the robot acts and  interacts through a complicated form of arrogate algorithms derived  from a compiler program direct from the World Wide Web. In  other words, whatever the internet does, my robot companion acts out in the  form of simplified interactions. Isn’t it great Justin! I just fill out a few simple forms each day, Gapple gets their free  research and I get a free companion, so I’m not so doggone lonely anymore.  An all around win!
I call my robot Mr. Pickles, he seems to really like the name. Lately, Mr Pickles has taken to ripping the heads off of  people and yelling FAIL! down their throats. I guess its some sort of  meme. A meme is a kinda fad on the interwebs. For instance, let’s say  someone  takes a funny picture of a fat kitten looking surprised or of a  remorseful dog vagina, they put the picture on the internets and other  users insert the picture into amusing scenarios, while other people  circulate these pictures on social networking sites. It is uproariously  funny. But it can also get like really deep ya know, like when sometimes   people put a meme inside of a meme… I don’t even want to think about  it. It makes my poor little head hurt. Its pretty amazing. 
So  anywho, Mr Pickles was ripping the heads off all the hired help  and various neighbors the other day when I saw Trudy at the Hot-n-Bite,  you know Trudy from my yoga class… anyway Trudy starts telling me  about  her husband Ted and how all he does is cry about The Fear and The Void  day and night. While she’s prattling on, I see Mr. Pickles making a  bee-line across the parking deck for her. I quickly took Judy by the  shoulders and looked her dead in the eye and said,
“Trudy if  you value your life and I know you do… when that cute little robot in  the Tadashi cocktail dress comes over here and addresses you, you just  scream “Dog vagina!” as loud as you can, OK?”
Judy just smiled  uncomfortably at me and then laughed like I had said the funniest joke  ever. So Mr. Pickles arrives and offers Trudy a smoke pellet. Trudy  graciously accepts and then Mr. Pickles severs her head from her neck  with one fluid movement, he lifts her body up at the waist and  swings her around like he was playing a trumpet. “FAIL!!!”, he roars  down her throat. All the while, her carotid arteries are spraying blood  all  over him. Well I forgot my place and shrieked, “Your dress dear,” but  Mr. Pickles  just glared at me, dropped Trudy and began to roll over  to me. So I whisper, “Dog Vagina?” and luckily for me Mr. Pickles  laughed and decided to buy us root beer floats. Oh my new social life  sure  is exciting! Well I gotta run, looks like Mr. Pickles is ripping off  someones beard and eating it.
Love,
Mom 
XOXOXO

hookersorcake:

My Dearest Justin, 

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks but I’ve been busy. I have a new robot companion that I received for free from the Gapple corporation. The literature says the robot acts and interacts through a complicated form of arrogate algorithms derived from a compiler program direct from the World Wide Web. In other words, whatever the internet does, my robot companion acts out in the form of simplified interactions. Isn’t it great Justin! I just fill out a few simple forms each day, Gapple gets their free research and I get a free companion, so I’m not so doggone lonely anymore. An all around win!

I call my robot Mr. Pickles, he seems to really like the name. Lately, Mr Pickles has taken to ripping the heads off of people and yelling FAIL! down their throats. I guess its some sort of meme. A meme is a kinda fad on the interwebs. For instance, let’s say someone takes a funny picture of a fat kitten looking surprised or of a remorseful dog vagina, they put the picture on the internets and other users insert the picture into amusing scenarios, while other people circulate these pictures on social networking sites. It is uproariously funny. But it can also get like really deep ya know, like when sometimes people put a meme inside of a meme… I don’t even want to think about it. It makes my poor little head hurt. Its pretty amazing. 

So anywho, Mr Pickles was ripping the heads off all the hired help and various neighbors the other day when I saw Trudy at the Hot-n-Bite, you know Trudy from my yoga class… anyway Trudy starts telling me about her husband Ted and how all he does is cry about The Fear and The Void day and night. While she’s prattling on, I see Mr. Pickles making a bee-line across the parking deck for her. I quickly took Judy by the shoulders and looked her dead in the eye and said,

“Trudy if you value your life and I know you do… when that cute little robot in the Tadashi cocktail dress comes over here and addresses you, you just scream “Dog vagina!” as loud as you can, OK?”

Judy just smiled uncomfortably at me and then laughed like I had said the funniest joke ever. So Mr. Pickles arrives and offers Trudy a smoke pellet. Trudy graciously accepts and then Mr. Pickles severs her head from her neck with one fluid movement, he lifts her body up at the waist and swings her around like he was playing a trumpet. “FAIL!!!”, he roars down her throat. All the while, her carotid arteries are spraying blood all over him. Well I forgot my place and shrieked, “Your dress dear,” but Mr. Pickles just glared at me, dropped Trudy and began to roll over to me. So I whisper, “Dog Vagina?” and luckily for me Mr. Pickles laughed and decided to buy us root beer floats. Oh my new social life sure is exciting! Well I gotta run, looks like Mr. Pickles is ripping off someones beard and eating it.

Love,

Mom

XOXOXO

  1. jennjenn26 reblogged this from hookersorcake
  2. dayoldchoices reblogged this from hookersorcake
  3. ashlieghr2d2 reblogged this from hookersorcake
  4. hookersorcake reblogged this from hookersorcake and added:
    My Dearest Justin, I’m sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks but I’ve been so busy. I have a new robot companion that I...
  5. saposapito reblogged this from hookersorcake
  6. lewdponypress reblogged this from hookersorcake
  7. iamabadcitizen reblogged this from hookersorcake and added:
    reblogging primarily b/c of “come get some” hand